Posted by: Jaeson D. Rau | March 30, 2016

WHOSE HAND ROCKS THE CRADLE OF ABUSE?

He came to me the other day, and said something to me that forever changes the way I look at divorce. He came to me and said “you know, I realized one day that my ex-wife was wrong. The issues that prevented us from having a co-parenting relationship were not all my fault, she also had a huge part to play in our relationship. And since having realized that, I was able to learn that it goes even further. There are more people involved in a divorce than just the parents. there is extended family, and new family as well. And all of those people play a part in the success of the children involved in that particular divorce. In fact, the extended family and new family alike should be able to help bring things together when there is a communication breakdown between the parents”.

And it was at that moment that I thought of you. And I also thought “he’s right”. And I started dissecting why I thought those two things at precisely the same moment, in the same thought.

As the dissecting began, I realized just how right he is. More than just the parents affect a child’s entire life. Even the way a child’s parent is treated affects the child. And although his family has a part to play in all of this as well, they were alienated from the children and had a much different relationship in this situation than you did. So let’s talk about you today, and your involvement with children that were alienated from their father. We will also see how divorce has become more like a battlefield, nobody really caring whose life gets wrecked.

Shortly after he divorced her, your relationship with him seemed to blossom. You even worked with him for a short while, and for a time he became an important part of your family. Important enough that he occasionally gave up his evening to babysit your children, and important enough that he was a surefire way to get your youngest at the time, to sleep. My point is that children do not go to sleep cuddled up with someone they don’t trust. You made him feel like a part of your family when his whole world had just crumbled around him.

He gave you a job, and an unrealistic amount of money offered for your services. During that time you built up a friendship and had many discussions about what was going on in his divorce. You helped give her a nickname, by which every person that used it, knew it was meant to describe how stupid she was being. The negative impact she was having on her children. I was present on more than one occasion when you openly voiced your disgust at some of the choices she was making, commenting on her lack of common sense. You openly stated that the kids should be with him, that they would do better. For a time you were his support system.

And after some time it would come to pass that you would completely turn his world upside down. You tried to steal from him. You ruined relationships between him and some long-term customers. Some of them still to this day do not talk to him. And other customers you just simply stole. You tore the children away from him that were making it bearable to be without his own. And in a matter of hours you helped push him another step closer to the edge, and you helped kill the relationship, what was left of the relationship, between him and his kids. All these years later and now I wonder what happened that you turned on him like that. Why would you start supporting someone who one week before you spoke down about?

He loved his kids, he wanted to be a father, it nearly killed him that he couldn’t. I watched him get sick. It was gross. Not only did he lose everything he ever worked for, he totally lost his mind as well. Science is now proving that when a mammal is forced out of their child’s life it causes massive depression and anxiety. Maybe that explains the way that he was acting and explains what he ended up going through.

And you knew. You knew he was a good father, it was always shown anyway. His kids always did better when they were with him. I heard more than one hockey coach ask him to make sure his son could be with him “this weekend coming up” because of an important game or tournament. Multiple hockey coaches also said “you can tell when the kids are with dad”. That speaks volumes about the type of father he was. When the kids were with him they slept properly, the bags under their eyes went away. They ate better. They got to school on time. They got groomed. Yet he never got to make parenting decisions for them, and no matter which way he tried to communicate with her, she just wouldn’t give. She even refused to give mediation to try. Refused to even give it a try. Who does that? Did you know that he has taken over nine different courses related to communication, with four being specifically related to divorce? Did you know that he is a certified mediator? He did that in order to try to communicate better with her. I’m not kidding, he actually told me that he was going to become a mediator so that he could learn how to communicate with her better, so that in the long run it would be better for their kids. I could go on for days, that guy put his kids first. But you know that. And you still turned your back.

Those kids ended up not even finishing high school, at a time in history when a teacher gets fired for giving a student a zero, even when that student deserves it. How does that even happen? Neither of you ever thought to say anything? They quit sports. Replaced sports with drugs. You didn’t think to yourself to call him? You didn’t think that you should suggest to her that she get him involved? It’s unbelievable really.

He was lied to, he was lied about, he fought tooth and nail to be a father to his children, he embarrassed himself and humiliated himself in an effort to be a father to his children. And he was beat down the entire way. Topping it off was when, in only two years, over 360 text messages and phone calls were not returned. And then she told him that he was the one that turned his back on his kids. Every step a lie. A justification. A shuffling of context. And in the end it turns out to be a blessing. A blessing that he is grateful for every day. For not having had this experience, he would not be the man that he has become. Nor would he have the amazing partner that he does.

But what about the kids? This blog was supposed to be about the kids. He has 20 years on them, of course he’s going to bounce back. (This is kind of the point) But what about the kids? Their whole lives are ahead of them. They have no tools. And they think that what they have witnessed as they have grown up, is normal. Am I supposed to believe that it’s okay to wreck kids lives in order to make their father look bad? Subconsciously they believe that a child is not supposed to have a relationship with their father. They also have other wonderful things going for them now. Like lying. Justification. Blame. Blames a big one. And so is denial. How do these things help the kids? You are both guilty of child abuse, at least being accomplices of child abuse. Those kids were lied to, they were used for revenge, they were used to make him look like the bad guy. And it’s their lives that are going to take more work to fix now.

It was so blatant, I have a hard time believing you didn’t see it for what it was.

Your interaction is a perfect example of how more people than just parents affect children when they live in a divorced situation. And one day, this type of involvement will come with a criminal record and a visit to jail. Parental Alienation is unacceptable, and it is unacceptable that people who can make a difference stand idly by and do nothing. You knew something was wrong, and the fact that you said nothing makes you guilty. Those kids deserved to have a relationship with their father. Those kids deserved to also learn from their father and you helped take that away.

He was right. And you are guilty.

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