Posted by: Jaeson D. Rau | November 15, 2015

Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Because it is the truth.
And sometimes the truth hurts.
Especially if you hide from it.
The truth will find you no matter where you are or what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with. It certainly doesn’t care what your attitude is when it does finally catch up with you. And trust me, the truth will find you. It is impossible, physically impossible, to have a reality that is different from what you want to be happening.
And that is why the truth will catch up with you.

You have been taught to lie, mostly to yourself, but it’s lying nonetheless.
You don’t understand this of course, the simple reason is that you’ve been taught it’s okay.
I don’t think it’s okay.
I want you to know another side. I want you to know my opinion.
Not so that I can be right. But so that you see another side of the story, that is all.
I want you to know that I’m very concerned.
I’m supposed to be concerned.

I know you don’t want to see me, I actually wonder if you hate me.
And that’s okay.
You see, when you were younger I worked my ass off. I did everything I could do for you. Let me clarify, I did everything I was capable of based on my level of knowledge at the time. I was constantly striving to learn more, to be a better father.
And you knew it.
When I look back at things that happened, and things you guys said, you can see it. You can clearly see that you guys knew. And we had a relationship that proved it.
Hate, blame and fear took care of that though didn’t it.

One thing I know for sure, is that you’re going to both wake up one day and say to yourself, “holy shit I really need to sit down and talk to my dad”.
The other thing I know, is that it’s going to be a 50-50 chance whether you call or not.
I want you to know ahead of time that I love you.
Not like, “I love you and want you to feel all warm and fuzzy with purple butterflies and pink unicorns”. No, I love you for real. I am your father and I will love you the best way that a father can.
And there’s a good chance that sometimes my love is going to hurt.
I wish I had had that type of father when I was your age.
I wish I had had that type of male role model even for a little while in my life.

Six years boys. I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve really only been alive for the last six years.
You don’t even know me. I’m just getting to know myself.
I bet you don’t even remember why you don’t want to talk to me.
It’s too bad that you chose not to be in my life.
I know it got hard for a while, but if you had stuck it out you would be able to see things for what they have become. Let me tell you it was worth it.
The people that chose to stand by my side and support me and love me get to be a part of that.
I’m glad I can give them this gift. Even though it was at my own expense, almost my own death.
My own children however, do not get to learn anything from what I went through.
What a shame.
You told me that when I was at the courthouse, your mom did not recognize me because I had shaved my goatee off.
Its important that you know the goatee had nothing to do with it.
Your mom did not recognize the person I was becoming.

Since the day I left you guys, the hardest day of my life.
I tried to be a better father to the point where I made myself look foolish, like an idiot actually.
And I made myself crazy in the process of trying to understand what was going on. Trying to understand why my children were caught in a situation that should not even be happening.
Trying to understand how my divorce had a reality, but also a story that made no sense.
I got to see the very worst way human beings can treat each other, and themselves.

Never again will I ever be a part of the drama.
If seeing my children means I have to be a part of the drama, I won’t do it.
You’re too old now, you’ve been programmed how to think, and you got a story well underway.
Unless you make the choice, nothing will ever change.

What has happened should be against the law. It should be a jail-able offense yet it is denied and swept under the carpet.
It is a business all of us decided to buy into.
The children of this society are paying the price for the money made.
It is why fathers are beaten down promptly and swiftly when we get divorced.
So we don’t have the money or the will to fight back.

The reason that the truth hurts so much boys. Is sometimes because the person giving you the information is speaking the truth, and the universe wants you to listen.
This is why my life hurt so much for so many years. Because I wouldn’t listen and I made things difficult for myself.
I did then, what you are doing now.
I took the easy road.
It didn’t turn out to be so easy after-all.

I was blessed with mistake after mistake in my life. But rather than stay stuck in the negativity that just about consumed my life, I turned it around and realized that human beings can only learn and grow when they make mistakes.
I’ve made more mistakes than anybody I know.
I’m a damn sight smarter than I ever thought I’d ever be.
I can see you and I can see your life and I can see where you’re headed. Your a special kind of stupid if you think that your own father can’t see where your life is headed.
And I can tell you how you got to where you are. And I can even tell you how to recognize what people on the outside can see.

A father is suppose to help his children with these things.
But I can’t do that. I can’t help my children. I can’t help my children to become more successful adults.
I won’t be a part of my children’s successes, and I will be blamed for their failures.
How does that happen when I don’t even see them?

Can someone out there explain to me how my life came to be without my 2 boys in it please.
The truth is I no longer have a relationship with my children even though I busted my ass trying to do just that.
And it hurts more than anything has ever hurt in my entire life.
Parental Alienation is real.
The child abuse that goes along with it is real.

It is time that divorced men stand up and do something.
For themselves and all the children, not just their own.


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